sharing laughter

Tim and I went to see Jeff Dunham this weekend. He is a ventriloquist/comedian and not someone we would have even known, were it not for Austin.

I remember a little over a year ago, Austin coming home from school with a giant smile and excited persistence that I log onto the internet. He took me to "Youtube", a website where you can view videos and clips from every day people to celebrities. He wanted me to see "Achmed" - one of Jeff's puppets.

When Austin enjoyed something, he did it whole-heartily and loved to share whatever it was with others. He knew Tim and I would find Jeff funny and we did. From then on, anytime he was on tv, Austin recorded him so we could watch it together.

The tickets for the show came on sale several months ago and I wondered, hesitated in buying them, because I didn't know if it would be too hard. Everything there would be a reminder of Austin. He knew Jeff's material word for word and could do a pretty good impression of Achmed. But I took a leap and purchased them anyway, thinking we could probably use a laugh by then.

I didn't realize at the time that the show would be close to 6 months to the day that we lost Austin. It isn't really something you count down -or up to. The "anniversaries" don't get any easier with time. If anything, it is harder, hurts more because you are no longer numb from the shock. You ache for time to go back because you've never been away from them this long.

And so, I worried about this weekend. It was filled with reminders of Austin, both with our annual trip to the zoo and then Jeff's concert, but they were good memories. Memories are all we have now and it helps to remember, to focus on the good times.

We laughed more last night at that show than we have in a long time. Every joke, every line, brought back memories of our special guy. I could almost see him broad smile, head back and belting out that great laugh that filled a room. We've spent so much of the past six months, filled with tears and sadness, some days it has consumed us. There still isn't a day that I don't cry. I don't know that there will ever be a day that I don't.

But it was good for a night to laugh and enjoy the moment. It is what Austin would have wanted.

our annual zoo trip

We're thinking about going to zoo tomorrow. It is a subject I've rather avoided, changed the subject, or found an excuse why we couldn't go for the past few weeks. Funny how I functioned through some of the past holidays, days you'd expect to be hard, and then something like this is so overwhelming.

The zoo has been an annual family trip from Austin's first year with us. Actually, we went nearly every year as a child with my mom and step-dad. Our family has just grown and changed over the years and now includes our children.

Those zoo trips were always something that Austin looked forward to. He loved animals but it was more about spending the day with the family for him. The bigger our group, the happier he was. The day always ended at the park, with a full picnic and time to play.

There were a couple of trips we made just Tim, me and the boys. Once it was a Mother's Day surprise for me, followed by a picnic. It was a wonderful day, taking our own pace, stopping for as long at activities or animals as we wanted, since there wasn't a group waiting. One year, we squeezed in a visit to the St. Louis zoo while attending a family wedding. It was much larger than we were used to and the boys were thrilled at all the attractions.

But our big family trips were always special too. We've watched our kids grow up there, too small to see over the fences and riding in strollers, to big enough to push the next generation up the hills. Austin enjoyed seeing Bryanna experience the zoo on our last trip. She was old enough to enjoy it and be excited seeing the animals. Both my sisters and their kids made that trip and it was nice all being together. We watched our kids run the hills, yell about this animal or that, just as we did many years ago. And as was tradition, we stopped for family photos. The photo below is one of my favorites.

Our last zoo trip family photo

It will be hard walking those hills again without Austin, just as any activity is. But we go on, with heavy hearts, beating with a memory of him.