Never Knowing

Austin was a gift to all who knew him. Whether you'd known him all your life or you just met, he left an impression on you. I have had strangers come up to me, telling me what a wonderful child he was. I read letters from kids at his school, some who only knew him in passing, who had a story to share. He certainly put a footprint on my heart that will never leave, as he did for many in our family. What hurts is the next generation who will never get to know what a treasure he was.

We celebrated my nephew's first birthday yesterday. There were so many bittersweet moments. I see a lot of Austin in little Allen and watching him tear into his birthday cake brought back so many memories. I remember Austin's first birthday like it was yesterday. I was also constantly aware of the absence of Austin. He loved Allen from the moment he held him in the hospital. I know a part of him is always around us but I wished so much for him to be with us yesterday, celebrating this milestone.

Austin was upset with me when my sister Raven had both of her babies, because I didn't let him skip school and stay there all night waiting for her to deliver. It always amazed me how much he enjoyed children, especially babies. You would think a teenage boy would care less but he could've held babies all day. He just had an instant connection with them. In fact, it is one of my last memories of Austin, holding both Bryanna and Allen that Thanksgiving weekend he passed. He couldn't decide which one to hold more and his phone was filled with pictures of them.

Austin used to be the only one Bryanna would go to in a crowd of our family. Her face would light up when he entered the room. Sadly, Allen didn't have a chance to get close to him, as Austin was gone just a little over a month after he was born. Both of them were so young when he passed that I wonder what memory, if any, they'll have of him. He loved them both so much, as he did all of his cousins. It just hurts that they won't be able to grow up knowing him.

Our family tree was cut short, mid-bloom, and it forever changed our future generations. So many will never truly know how wonderful he was.

missing him

I am not usually at a loss for words when it comes to writing. Thoughts normally just pour out of me, relieved to leave my mind and land on paper.

When I started this blog for Austin, it was mostly for me. It has been therapeutic to be able to write about him, to capture those moments and feelings that I so often keep inside. As time progressed though, I noticed more and more people were reading. I've received so many kind comments from those who come here and that gives me inspiration to continue. As well, I imagine there are others who happen upon it accidentally but linger and my hope is that they leave knowing a little about my son and how wonderful he was. This is all I have of him now and continuing to write keeps his memory alive.

I've had a need to write for several days but for some reason, I am just blocked. The panic of the approaching anniversary lingers within me. There is still so much yet to say but sometimes there are just no words. So, today there isn't so much a story or a single memory to share but just me trying to capture his essence and of what I am missing most these days.

When I think of Austin, which is as often as the beating of my heart, I picture first his smile. I see him with that big smile that just swept you up in happiness. His eyes would sparkle and followed shortly by the smile would be a big, hearty laugh. Austin had a laugh like no other. It was contagious. It made you laugh along, it carried you into that moment. You felt, instantly, his sincere love of life. He never held back in his laughter, never guarded it depending on the situation. If it amused him, he let it show. I loved him for that confidence. My ears still search for it, pausing, as silence echos and so often fills the space now.

I miss so many things about him. Even silly, funny things. So many things bring memories of him to me. Making hot chocolate last night, I stopped, remembering how he'd drink it with a straw or eat soup with a fork. Those were things unique to him and a simple bowl of soup or mug of cocoa brings that back now. I miss picking on him about things like that - and I miss him picking on me. Austin made us smile every day.

I even miss his temper! He was so much like his father that the two would often butt heads and I'd be the mediator. Neither of them would ever stay mad long though, they were too close. But I miss him coming home, venting about something. I miss him stomping off, if he didn't get his way. I miss hearing his door slam.

I think I miss his soul the most though. I just miss that connection, the energy, the warmth and kindness that surrounded him. I miss the connection that we shared. How I didn't have to say a word but he just knew I needed a hug. I vividly remember our last big hug. It was in the living room and he stopped me on my way to the kitchen. Most of the time he gave me one arm hugs (still great) but sometimes they were just in passing. This was a full, two arm, embrace that filled my soul. I remember it so well it brings tears to my eyes. I miss him so much.