Unexpected Blessings

Part of me wanted to shut down this weekend. Close myself off and ignore the events taking place. To be alone in my sadness.


I'm so grateful I didn't.

I've learned through this grief journey that some things are meant to be shared. Certainly there is a time to be alone. Tears need to have a place to fall in comfort. Solitude in grief, for me, has brought me closer to God. It is in those moments that I draw close to Him. But being with others, especially for milestone moments, brings much needed support too. And support is something that was given us to us tenfold this weekend.

Friday night would have been Austin's high school graduation. Until this week, we had no plans to attend. It just seemed to painful to face. And now, looking back at the night, I don't know how we would have survived it any other place. I'm not saying it wasn't difficult and didn't require extensive leaning on God and constant prayer, but the blessings received from the night - and the obvious presence of Austin - was worth every tear.

Finish the rest of the story at my current blog... joyfulchallenge.com  

Special Signs & Scholarship

From my other blog - joyfulchallenge.com

It seems very fitting that we selected the winners for the scholarship fund started in our son's memory on the cusp of Volunteer Appreciation Week. The Austin's Legacy Scholarship's main criteria is volunteerism and is rooted in the scripture,


1 Timothy 4:12.

Austin will always be known for his giving spirit and helping hands. He loved to volunteer and jumped in enthusiastically at any opportunity. As is etched on his stone, He lived a lifetime in his fourteen short years on this Earth. Giving back, making a difference, and being an example for others is the legacy Austin left behind.

This would've been Austin's graduating year and so we decided early on to award multiple scholarships. That decision would prove helpful, as our committee had a difficult decision between several excellent candidates. In the end, we were able to recognize three outstanding young women. We'll present their awards, totaling $1800, on May 1.

Of course Austin's spirit filled our home, as we met to make the decision. The goose bump moment came in selecting our top recipient. Each member of the committee reviewed one application at a time, scoring them at the end. Once finished, we tallied their totals to find the average score and discussed top candidates. As the group talked, and I calculated, my eyes filled with tears on our first choice.

Her total was 23. Austin's favorite number, proudly displayed on every jersey he ever wore, and something he uses often to send us signs. I sat there stunned, tearful, and very thankful that Austin could be a part of our selection. What I hadn't shared with the group, until after we chose her, was that she and Austin were friends. They grew up together, attended the same church, and sat beside each other every year in band. I think everyone at the table was inspired and felt hugged by our sweet boy, as we left the table.

In a season that has so many difficult moments...wishing for the memories that will never be, yesterday was heaven sent. Our family feels beyond blessed to share Austin's Legacy with three very deserving ladies. And we know he looks down proudly on it all.

Reverse Shopping Spree

From Joyful Challenge:

Our shopping this weekend didn't include fighting crowds and hunting for deals, but instead involved hiding them. We didn't stand in line, scour the ads, and struggle with strangers but rather snuck, searched, and whispered through the store. The kids chose to do "acts of kindness" by attaching money to gifts and tucking them secretly back on the shelves. While we didn't stay to see the reactions, we hope children will grab items wanting them, as they often do, and be surprised. It was one of the best shopping trips I can ever remember during such a normally chaotic holiday experience.

 

Sharing with the kids the "free drink" idea, they quickly asked if they could do the same and that started our Kindness "Reverse-Shopping" Spree. Handing them change and a sheet of labels, we set off. Soaking in the meaning of the labels, which said, "This random act of kindness was done in memory of Austin Blair (7/8/94 – 11/29/08). Pay it forward." they were both silent for a moment and then touched to get to be a part of this project.

Instantly, they began spurting off ideas of things we could do to make a difference in someone's day. We soon ended up at a local store with a plan and two very excited kids.  Each of them had a few one dollar bills and began the search for toys in that amount so whatever child found it would be able to get it for free. Sadly, in today's economy, there aren't a great deal of choices in this category but I think the kids did a wonderful job.

Noah found a firefighter coloring book, which reminded him of Austin and how much he loved the fire department. Attaching the dollar to the back, I was glad I captured the sweet innocence with my phone. He then located a container of play-do, something he still loves to play with even at his age. Tucking them both so that the dollars were hidden, Tina began her hunt.

She was able to find a toy firetruck as well. It was the only truck in the mixture of rubber ducks. Bringing the box toward the front and at a kid's eye level, she squeezed the truck in among the yellow birds. I can only imagine how happy a little child will be when they spy it and their chubby little hand grabs it off the shelf.

Tina then headed for the baby food aisle, saying how hard it might be for someone this time of year. Hoping a single mom or struggling family might happen upon the food, she attached a dollar with a label, making it free.

Both kids said after each one, "Wow, this feels good," and "I wish I could see who gets it," or "I hope it goes to someone who really needs it." They were both truly touched by the acts and honored to do something in Austin's memory.

Noah, remembering he had a five dollar bill in his pocket, asked if we could make one last stop at the shoes. He wanted to gift a free pair to a child who may need it. Finding just the right pair, he hid the money inside with a smile.

On the way home, we made a few more secret stops the kids requested, each one a hug to my heart.

While we miss Austin every day, holidays are the hardest, especially this weekend with his angel-versary approaching. However, I know Austin was with us every step of this shopping spree and so very proud of his little brother and cousin. I could feel his sweet spirit surrounding us and am thankful for each treasured moment. I hope Austin's spirit lives on and touches each family finding these hidden surprises.

Just the act certainly blessed each of us.

Family Day

Today was bittersweet.  We had a very large family gathering; and of course, anytime we're all together like that there is an obvious absence.  Austin loved being with family, whether it was one or two or a huge crowd.  In fact, our first  "Family Game Day" was held our last year with him.  Maybe that's what makes days like together so hard, and so special, all at the same time.  They remind of Austin and swell our hearts with memories, as well as fill our eyes with tears from the loss; but they also push us to stay together and there's an ever-lingering presence, as we know he's watching over us proudly.

If Austin were here today, he'd been among the first to go help set up, with his strong arms and back lifting tables and chairs to prepare the room.  The many trips I made to my truck, loading and unloading, would have certainly been decreased as he'd been right there without me asking.  Upon anyone pulling into the drive, he would've met them at their door, ready to give those giant bear hugs and then haul anything in they might need.  He would've snuck bites of food from any dish that came in which contained something he liked.  And he would've gotten away with it, as all he'd have to do is break out his smile or puppy dog eyes. 

There'd been a Rook game started before everyone even had a chance to sit down.  All the babies in the room would've had a constant sitter, as I know he'd have had a lap full or been chasing them in the yard.  That beautiful big laugh would've been heard a dozen times through the course of the day.  He'd of challenged every willing body to a cornhole game outside, smiling whether he won or lost.  He would've made old friends with any new face, listening to the stories from the grown-ups table or patiently playing a game with the kids.

And yet, in so many ways I felt him today...from the beautiful painted skys that greeted me good morning and said good-bye...to the lingering hugs by family or the smiles on their faces as they arrived...from the butterfly balloons hung by the front gate to guide those traveling long distances in....to the warmth and joy of laughs and love throughout the day.

This We Do In Memory of You

Since losing Austin, we've started the tradition of "Random Acts of Kindness" on his angel-versary, November 29th.   Last year, I asked others to join in his memory. So many messages of support and sharing their acts came through via email and on his Facebook group, Remembering Austin. It was a wonderful way to remember such a beautiful soul.


Austin's legacy will always be his warm smile, loving hugs, and helping hands. That's what Austin was all about. I have so many cards and letters from those who knew and loved him, sharing small and simple, but powerful, moments they remember and treasure him for.  Because November 29th is such a tragic reminder for us, it is how we've chosen to get through it. Helping strangers has lifted our broken spirits.

With each random act, it's as if Austin's spirit carries on and it blesses our family. Because of that, I've decided to dedicate this entire month to my precious boy and will be striving to perform random acts of kindness every single day. It's the only way I know to get through a seemingly impossible time. Each day, each thankful moment, every act of kindness, will be a tribute to Austin, the life he led, and the inspiration of hoping to be a fraction of who he was. I hope you'll join me...

Choose to pause and be thankful each day of November. Perform an act of kindness (every day), or just on November 29. Smile at a stranger. Buy someone a cup of coffee. Volunteer. Make a donation to the Austin's Legacy scholarship fund, or your favorite charity. Buy lunch for the person behind you in line. Visit a friend. Send a card to a soldier. Adopt a family for Christmas. Hug somebody. Pay it forward. Do it in memory of the legacy Austin left behind! 

Please share it with us - send us a message, an email, or post it on his Facebook page.  Follow the stories from this month on my other blog, Joyful Challenge.

Class of 2012

Today is hard for me sweet boy...
because I think about what should have been.

Today would have been your first day as a Senior.
What excitement there would be, nervous anticipation, opportunities...

I can only imagine how tall you'd be, standing in front of our tree to take your picture. 
So many dreams, hopes and plans cut short.

We miss you so.

Shaving in Heaven?

The mailbox is an unexpected source of pain after losing a child.  At first, it contains cards of prayers and sympathy; but then, it contains mail - for your child.  You expect it at first but figure after time, mailing lists will be updated and it will cease.  What hurts is when you open the mailbox and are unprepared for something addressed to the one you love who is no longer here.

This afternoon, Noah checked the mail.  Normally, Tim or I do this task, as we've somewhat sheltered him from any surprises.  Not thinking it was Austin's "birthday week" and mail could potentially come, I let him go.  He came back in saying, "Bubba got mail."  I froze - uncertain of what it would be and how he would react.

Sighing in preparation, I reached out to him to take the stack of papers.  On top was a large cardboard box, addressed to Austin.  Inside...a razor.  It was an advertisement/sales piece, I guess, containing a free razor and coupons. 

I'm not sure how or why this would be sent to a soon to be 17 year old.  Maybe Gillette is targeting young?  Perhaps it is a mailing list from the extreme couping I once did (that Austin loved so much!).  Once I knew Noah was ok and out of the room, I chuckled.  (Through grief, you learn to either laugh or cry in these moments, and most of the time, I choose the happier option.) 

I thought back to my sweet boy, who at only 14, was already sprouting peach fuzz on his upper lip.  Remembering, I could see him bending his lip down over his teeth and inspecting the growth in the mirror.  He was so proud of his moustache and already competing with his dad, who's sported a "Tom Selleck" since I've known him.

Seeing the razor, I imagined how excited Austin might be, had he checked the mail today.  This was a task he did daily, coming off the bus.  Shortly after opening the mailbox, I'm certain my phone would've rang or he'd come barreling into the house to announce his find.  This would surely be a sign he was a grown man and he'd brag about it for days.  And, I would've probably added to the fun by wrapping shaving cream as a gift for him on Friday at his birthday party.

Effortlessly, I could take these "moments that could have been" and let it sink me.  Depression is so easy to give into, to just let go and give up.  But, that's not what my boy would want and it's certainly no honor to him.  Instead, I choose JOY...I choose happiness, even through tears...I choose laughter.  I choose to remember Austin and the joy he brought to my life daily, the happiness he still brings me - as well as the laughter, even from a razor in a cardboard mailer.

To Honor You

from a Compassionate Friends newsletter....

To honor you, I get up every day and take a breath.

And start another day without you in it.

To honor you, I laugh and live with those who knew your smile.

And the way your eyes twinkled with mischief and secret knowledge.

To honor you, I take the time to appreciate everyone I love,

I know now there is no guarantee of days or hours spent in their presence.

To honor you, I listen to music you would have liked,

And sing at the top of my lungs, with the windows rolled down.

To honor you, I take chances, say what I feel, hold nothing back,

risk making a fool of myself, dance every dance.

You were my light, my heart, my gift of love, from the very highest source.

So everyday, I vow to make a difference, share a smile, live, laugh and love.

Now I life for us both, so all I do, I do to honor you.

Dancing in Heaven...

It's Homecoming night and online are dozens of posts of girls in pretty dresses and young men wearing ties.  I can't help but wonder how handsome you would've looked tonight.  Would you have had a smiling girl on your arm?  You'd be driving by now and this might have been your first big date.

As much as it breaks my heart, I close my eyes and can't help but imagine this night.  You'd be laughing nervously and growing impatient by the hundreds of pictures I'd want to take.  I would've been so tickled to see you in a tie.  You never were one to dress up, even wearing jeans to church.  To please me you'd wear a sweater but you'd tug and pull at it the whole hour and be out of it before you made it through the door once home.  In fact, the photo below is about the only picture I have of you in a tie....

I can imagine the rules and checklists and dad talk that Tim would've given you tonight.  You'd go through the motions with him to make sure the truck was safe and ready to drive.  I can see you nodding your head and softly saying, "I know" to everything he'd tell you.  Perhaps I'd have to break in at some point to give you some relief, using the excuse that you'd be late.

I'm sure there would've been lots of nervous moments tonight, if taking a girl to your first dance.  You'd have made me proud with your manners when meeting her parents.  As you opened the doors for her, she'd of felt like the most special girl in the world - and she would have been to have you as a date.  Maybe you'd get the nerve up to go out on the dance floor with her and have your first dance.

And Tim and I would have waited at home nervously until we heard you pull back into the drive.  I can see you walking back into the house with that beautiful smile on your face.  Your dad would pick on you until your face turned red and then maybe the next morning you'd share some details with me.

Sadly, this movie in my mind is just that, only an imagined dream of what could have been.  As much as I try not to, it is hard on nights like this to not wonder what if.  As much as it hurts, I can't help but wish for those lost moments that never were.  The only thing that eases the pain is reminding myself of where you are and that no Homecoming could compare to dancing in Heaven. 

Merry Christmas, Sweetheart

One of the simple, every day things that I miss is bringing home surprises for Austin.  I enjoyed spending money on him because it didn't matter if it cost one dollar or fifty, he was always appreciative.  Even if it was a pack of gum or a jug of Sunny D, he'd grab me in a big hug and with that sweet smile of his, he'd thank me.  Now, he needs for nothing and the only thing I can buy him is flowers for his grave.  I go a step further and custom make each set for him, changing them with each season.

This time of year, as I'm checking off everyone else on my list, it's obvious someone very special isn't on it.  Our first Christmas without Austin was so very difficult and it added to the pain that we'd already bought presents for him that had to be returned.  Last year I changed our tradition of buying for a smaller child on the angel child and choosing a teen instead.  I try to imagine, though it is hard, what Austin would have wanted at that age and we give to someone in need in his memory. 

Another tradition we've had is to buy a special ornament each Christmas that represents some memory from that year.  As we're hanging them we are reminded of that moment or milestone, whether it was our first Christmas together, a vacation, or something symbolic for the boys, we remember.  Last year, I chose to purchase a memorial ornament for Austin and placed a photo of him placing the angel on the tree his last day with us.  We hang it towards the top so that when we glance upward, we remember that precious day.  I also placed an ornament at Austin's grave, a snowman playing baseball, so a piece of season could be shared with him there. 

   

This year, I again found an ornament with a baseball theme and the #1 on the award jug symbolizes how special he is to us - and always will be.  I spent my lunch hour placing new flowers and hanging his ornaments today.  It is certainly not a tradition I expected to add to our family but I do it to honor him.  Hopefully, he felt me there today and knows that no matter how very far away he is, he is always close in our hearts and minds, especially through the holidays.

A Touching Tribute

Last night, Tim, Noah and I bundled up in multiple layers to attend our Downtown Christmas Celebration and Night Parade.  It's an annual tradition for our family to go the Christmas parade and we've been going for as long as I can remember.  Noah was especially excited this year, as he would be riding in the BDFD rescue boat and throwing out candy.  It was a blustery cold evening, spitting snow and rain in between gusts of wind, but he stayed nice and toasty by wearing his dad's bunker gear.  As he easily slipped into and fastened his dad's pants, I felt a little tug at my heart.  He's only 10 (nearly 11) and already fitting into Tim's gear.

It's a county practice that the two main cities take turns hosting the parade.  This year, it was Beaver Dam's turn, our hometown.  As the emergency lights flashed in the distance, signaling the start of the parade, I was reminded of the parade two years ago.  Having lost Austin just the week prior, we had no plans of attending.  Our emotions were still so raw and nobody felt like celebrating anything, much less the start of the Christmas season we knew Austin wouldn't be a part of.  A few hours before the parade, Tim received a phone call from someone urging us to go.  "Just be there for the beginning and if you can't stay, that's ok."

With that gentle push, we ventured out.  We bundled up, in part hoping to not be recognized by many people we knew.  We arrived late on purpose so that we could mix in with the crowd, just at the start of the parade.  As it was Beaver Dam's hosting year, the home department led the procession.  Not with tradition, sirens weren't screaming for attention to start the parade.  Instead, a tiny whisper of a Christmas song came from the truck's speaker.  Tim and I peeked around the crowd to see why the trucks were so silent when tears filled our eyes.

Losing Austin wasn't just felt by our family and friends but by many in the community, including in our second family - the fire department.  Both out of respect for the many years of service Tim had given, and in remembering Austin's short time on the department, the trucks were running silent in memory of him.  The lead truck, #24, Austin's favorite truck, carried a large banner that read, "In Loving Memory of Austin Blair, Unit #210."  I can still remember and feel the hush that went over the crowd, followed by supporting applause.  It was and always will be a parade and tribute we will never forget.

My eyes were again a little teary this year, recalling that sweet symbol of remembrance, and in seeing my other son growing up so quickly.  As Noah wore his dad's gear with pride, I realized how he was literally filling his dad's shoes and, in so many ways, his big brother's.  He's following in Austin's footsteps, both in support of the fire department, and in all the ways that made us love him so.  Perhaps Noah sat a little taller in the rescue boat because he was being hugged and held up by his guardian angel.  And I know Austin was holding all of us, proud that while carrying on our traditions, he is never forgotten.

2 years gone but never forgotten

We miss you every moment, Austin.


graphics for moms

Thanksgiving memories with Austin

When I sit back and remember past Thanksgivings with Austin the constant that comes to mind is his smiling face.  Whether he is a toddler sneaking treats from the table or a teen eager to see family, his smile was always present.

Austin was never happier when family was together and when you added food into the mix, it was the perfect day for him.  Thanksgiving held all of his favorites, from the dressing and desserts to getting to spend time with those he loved.  It was also the kickoff to the holiday season for us and he would begin anxiously counting down the days until Christmas.

I'm ever grateful that our last Thanksgiving with him is filled with amazing and wonderful memories.  It was absolutely the most perfect holiday weekend.  We will forever cherish that weekend and those precious moments with him.  What I remember most from that weekend is his sincere love of family and how happy his heart was to be around everyone.  Thanksgiving night at my Mom's he held Raven's babies and took dozens of pictures with his phone of them.  This was one of our last photos of him.

Below are some other photo memories of Thanksgivings past with Austin.....



Enjoying his Mamaw June's great cooking

I can still remember how proud he was to be in his first school play and how excited he was that I came to see him.  I think he may have had only one line but it was special to him and he loved dressing up as a pilgrim. 

And this was our last visit to the Shriner's Circus. 

Austin's first few visits to the circus was with us and his Mamaw & Papaw Evans. 

He looked forward to the show, the cotton candy and most of all the elephant rides!

  He is always in our minds, forever in our hearts. 

We'll miss him this Thanksgiving, our second without him.

Yet, anytime we're gathered as family I can just imagine him smiling down with

that beautiful face at us all.

Not just a T-shirt

From my blog "Finding Joy in Every Day"......

Our t-shirts arrived this week for the next fundraiser to support the Austin's Legacy Scholarship Fund. I had mixed emotions when they arrived. Working on this fund is a reminder of what we've lost but also a way for us to keep Austin's memory alive.


As I opened the cardboard boxes and pulled out the bright green shirts, it was a bit of a goose bump moment. To see his logo, which I created to honor him, in print and tangible was a little surreal. When we formed this scholarship fund, I knew I needed and wanted a logo but I struggled with how to capture the essence of Austin in a small frame. The idea just came to me one day and within moments I drew it out. To see it in physical form on these shirts was just a special moment because I could just feel the presence of Austin and knew he was proud of what we had accomplished.

Our pre-sales were a blessing and the amount collected was a strong indication of not only the success of this fundraiser but also the impact Austin made on so many lives. Being a cautious fundraiser, I even took a calculated risk and used part of the profits to buy stock. I'm happy to report that three days in, we've already sold a large portion.

In thanking my family for their help with the sales, I mentioned that with every shirt someone buys, it feels like a hug for my heart. For someone to take the time and effort to make the purchase, bring the money, and arrange for delivery, tells me they care...and that Austin meant something to them as well. The reaction when they receive it, surprises me at times. People are so excited and proud to get to wear it, eager to share the story of our son with others.

In addition, I've been touched by the stories from some friends, and even strangers, who have wanted a shirt. They'll fill my heart with joy by telling me of how they knew Austin, how he impacted their life and made a difference, or how the shirt blessed them in some way. I heard from a sweet friend today, who shared not just her memories of Austin but how the shirt really ministered to her in a time of need. As she let the worries of the world fill her mind, picking up the shirt and thinking about our son, reminded her of how short life is and what is really important the brief time we're here. She commented on how Austin lived his life for Jesus and served others and how much that touched her.

It reminded me to realize and remember how special these shirts really are. They are not just a t-shirt...they are a way to raise funds to help others who give....they are a way to honor an amazing young man who was an example of service and love...and they are a way to share not only his story but the message of God's love and what wonderful things can happen when you selflessly give.
 
If you would like to purchase a shirt, you can make a $15 donation on the PayPal link on this home page.  Send me a message with your address and requested size and I'll mail it to you. 

"I'm Here"

I am still so awestruck at what happened that I don't know if I can put my feelings into words! Anyone who knows me well at all, knows how special butterflies have become to me this past year, especially yellow ones.

A little over a year ago, I noticed how yellow butterflies seemed to follow me around. One day, on the way home from work, I was talking to Austin as I always do, and my truck was surrounded by them. They literally followed me home. Afterwards, I'd notice them in the most unexpected places and just somehow knew that it was Austin, telling me he loved me - telling me it would be ok, that he was happy- whatever the answer was I looked for that day.

This afternoon was absolutely beautiful and I decided to stop by Austin's grave. For whatever reason, I hadn't been there in several days. Lately, going there has just brought me more pain than comfort so I think subconsciously I had avoided visiting him. As I entered the cemetery, it was like a parade of butterflies led me to Austin. They danced and fluttered, by the dozens, guiding me to his stone. Once there, hundreds of butterflies bursted from the grass, swirled around me, and flew off into the field.

I've never been so overcome with a mixture of emotions. I felt Austin completely around me! It was amazing and though it lasted only a few moments, that will forever remain a treasured memory.

Shortly after, a vehicle pulled up near mine and so I made my way back to the truck. I don't like to stand and talk to him when there are strangers present - and I want to give whoever has arrived their own privacy to grieve. Surprisingly though, this woman spoke to me. I didn't know her but she knew of us and our family and she had just left visiting June's grave, which is next to Austin.

For the next thirty minutes we stood there crying, sharing stories of our children. She too, had lost a child, though she was grown when she passed. I found myself comforting her, although her loss had been longer ago than mine. As I left, I knew without a doubt those butterflies were Austin, giving me the boost he knew I'd need just moments later. God brought us together and allowed my spirits to be lifted so that I could help another mother who lost her child.

When I got home, I just had to read the post about "little yellow butterflies" again. As I searched his site and the title showed, I sat speechless, tears streaming down my face at the date. 8/27 - exactly one year ago is when I wrote it. I had no knowledge of that this morning or even when I thought of reading it again. That little "coincidence" just confirms all my thoughts and makes this goose bump moment all that more special and amazing.

Thank you, God, for letting me see, feel, and hear Austin today!

My Mom Rocks!

I was cleaning out old emails the other day and found one from Austin when he was around 10, the same age as Noah now. Those little surprise finds, like notes from Heaven, are so comforting to the soul. They lift you up when you least expect it and sometimes when you need it most.

His email was short but sweet and I'll treasure it always:

"hay mom i love you and hope we can do something togather after work and i think your the best."

Reading that one line can bring back so many memories for me. For one, it makes me know how much loved me. Austin didn't just say it in an email, he told me daily. I can picture his sweet face, hugging me first thing in the morning, in the car, or greeting me when I arrived home. It was always followed with an "I love you, Mom".

When I read the line about doing something together I can recall so many happy moments of just Austin and me. We frequently had "Mom & Austin" days to do whatever - go to a movie, out to eat, or just for a drive. It didn't matter what we were doing, it was just fun to be together. That he thought so too and looked forward to it fills my soul with warmth and love.

And the last five words - "I think your the best"...what Mom doesn't want to hear that? What will always stick with me, even on days when he feels so far away, is that he didn't just love me, he liked me. He enjoyed hanging out with me. Heck, at times he even thought I was pretty cool!

It makes me think back to one of our favorite "Mom & Me" activities - Guitar Hero. Now, when I first bought the game for him, it wasn't meant to be for us to play together. When the game came out, like all kids his age, he had to have it. Austin had played it at friends houses and loving music anyway, it was a natural fit. I don't remember what holiday we bought it but it was hands down his favorite gift.

I was walking past his room one day while he was playing and began singing whatever song was on. He was surprised I knew the song, not realizing it was classic rock, one of my favorite genres. After awhile he jokingly said, "You should try this." I'm sure he thought it would be a good laugh at least. However, I surprised him (and myself) by doing pretty good, especially for a first attempt. And that is all it took to get me hooked.

It didn't take me long to get the hang of it and after awhile, I could easily beat his scores. I don't know if he liked that at first but he did say it was pretty cool his Mom could finally beat him in a video game. What he loved most though was using me as a secret weapon when friends or family came over.

Like him, nobody guessed a "Mom" would be good at Guitar Hero. He would play for awhile with friends and when I'd walk by, he'd say to them, "I bet you can't beat my Mom"...or do it as a full on joke, "Let's see if we can talk my Mom into trying it." Then, he'd set back and watch the expressions of his friends when I rocked it! I can still hear him laughing and see that full beautiful smile.

So many wonderful memories...all from a single line in an email. What touches me most is how he knows just when to nudge me or send me some small message from above, letting me know he still loves and thinks about his Mom.

1…2…

 

With both our children, Tim and I have used the “1…2…3” rule.  This means that if we reach 3, because the boys were doing something they shouldn’t, they would be disciplined.  Through the years, we rarely got to 3.

As I’ve written before, Austin was an exceptionally good child.  He was always mature for his age and never really got in trouble.  As a baby, his nickname was Smiley.  I don’t remember ever dealing with temper tantrums or the common misbehaviors of a toddler.

Once, Tim and I were on vacation and we stopped with Austin to grab a bite to eat.  He was small, maybe two or three, and we chose a relatively nice sit down restaurant.  As a mom, you tend to notice and be on alert for glances or whispers when you’re out with your children.  Upon walking in, I saw some common expressions parents get when bringing a young child to any place considered “adult only”.

We ordered and Austin colored or played quietly in his highchair, as he often did.  The food came and mid-meal an elderly couple came to our table.  She said, “I just have to comment about your son.”  I didn’t really know what to expect, as he’d been perfect the entire meal.  She continued, “I just wanted to commend you on how well-behaved he is.  We’ve watched him since you came in and he’s just been wonderful.  How old is he?”  Tim told her and the couple was shocked.  Austin always looked older than his age,because of his size,but her surprise was that he could sit so quietly and behave so well as young as he was.  It was a proud moment that stuck with me through the years but nothing uncommon for our little man.

As he grew, his good behavior continued.  I was never called to school to speak with his principal.  His report cards always showed high marks for conduct and many times his teachers would comment about how good he was.  I really could count on one hand the number of times we ever really had to discipline him and they were for common mistakes of a growing child, or a grade we weren’t quite pleased with.

However, Tim and I were remembering a story the other day of when Austin was little, probably around 5, and was acting up in church.  Of all places for a child to misbehave, for a parent, church is top of the list of where we don’t want that to happen.  Whatever it was Austin was doing, Tim had to begin counting in our pew.  Normally, it only took him saying, “1” and the behavior corrected.  That day though, he had to go all the way to 3. 

Austin hung his head and calmed down, knowing what he was to come.  The rest of the service he was good as usual.  As we walked to the truck, we began discussing where we would eat.  I had actually forgotten all about Tim going to 3 but Austin had not.  Holding Tim’s hand on the way, he stopped and looked up to him.  With a shaky voice and tears in his eyes, he said, “Dad, can I get my punishment now before we go to lunch so I won’t be sad when we eat?”

I can hardly think back on that moment and write this without tears in my own eyes.  I still see his sweet little face and remember how much that broke my heart that day.  How Tim did it, I don’t know, but he gave him a swat on the behind.  More than anything it was because we didn’t want Austin to think he could get out of punishments in his future.  I do recall Tim wiping away his own tears as he sat down at the wheel.  It was a tough love lesson for us all.  Thankfully it was the one and only time Austin had to ask for his own punishment

Not surprisingly, he was excellent the next Sunday at church!  And for that matter, the rest of his life.

Momma didn't raise no quitters...

Noah is away this week at 4H camp and I can't help but think back to Austin's first and only camp trip. He was the same age as Noah is now and had been fairly active in 4H all school year. When flyers came out for camp, Austin was excited and eager to go.

In those early years, Austin had been excited and eager about other adventures too, only to change his mind somewhere midstream. Like the Spanish after-school class he 'just had to be a part of' in grade school that he quit after a few sessions. "It's too many words, Mom!" he complained. (I was happy though he picked that back up as a class in High School, and he loved it!)

As he grew older, Tim and I tried to teach him how important it was to never quit. I wanted him to have the attitude that he could try anything but I wanted him to give 100% if he did.

I was hesitant to sign him up for camp, because he'd never been away from home that long, and it wasn't cheap for someone who liked to change their mind. We had many discussions about it and he understood that once we paid, we were all committed. As the paperwork and last minute reminders arrived, I tried to continually build him up and keep him interested about the trip.

Austin was excited about the classes he would get to take but nervous that he wouldn't know a lot of kids. I remember him scanning the crowd on camp day to see who he knew, much like Noah did on Tuesday. We were both relieved to see some familiar faces and he felt better as he loaded the bus. He was worried he would miss Mom & Dad and lingered a bit though before boarding, soaking up one last hug prior to heading out.

As I always have with both my boys, I tucked hidden notes for him to find during the week in each of his outfits. I also mailed letters ahead of time so he'd have a note on the first day of camp. But as a mom always does, I missed him greatly and worried about him all week. Austin was a lot like me, a little reserved until he got to know you. Once he did, you were welcomed with a big hug, laughter, and practical jokes. I hoped he would warm up to the other kids there and make new friends. Austin was never one to stay away from home for very long though, usually not more than one or two nights and that was with family. The difference at camp too meant he couldn't call and talk to us, something else he was used to doing daily.

Hours crept by awaiting the final camp day and I was among the first to arrive in the parking lot to meet the bus. How I hoped he'd come bouncing off the bus, excited, bursting with news about camp and ready to go again. It didn't quite happen that way. Austin was happy to see me but I could tell from his expression he did not have a great camp experience. He waited until we got to the truck but then proceeded to tell me about what he exactly he didn't like. And there was a lot!

Top of the list - the pool. Austin loved to swim but he said the pool had too much chlorine. Add to this he'd had some kind of allergic breakout to the grass or something and his legs were covered in tiny bumps. He said swimming each day was kind of like a hundred needles stabbing him in the legs. He could be dramatic when he needed to be...another skill he took after his mom..and he turned it on to retell his days at camp. Needless to say, next year when the 4H flyers came out, he did not bring one home!

I remember once Noah had wanted to sign up for something - fall ball or some kind of sport, but he was wavering on making up his mind. Austin told him something like, "Trust me, I remember camp, if you aren't sure, don't do it. Mom and Dad don't like quitters and if you sign up, you're stuck with it!" (Hopefully, Noah will have a better experience to share when I pick him up on Friday.)

While I'm sad that Austin didn't have great memories from camp I do know the lessons learned stayed with him through the years. It was a trait I admired about Austin as he grew older. He wasn't a quitter. He always gave 100%. And if he told you he would do something, you could count on it. ....And it only took a week at 4H camp to teach him!

blue skies...smiling at me

Last night the family gathered for a backyard BBQ, just like we used to on Austin's birthday weekend. It would've been his 16th birthday and even though I worried it would be too hard; I knew it was something he would've wanted us to do.

I don't know if it was the many prayers said for us by family and friends, Austin looking down and blessing the night, or a mixture of both; but it was amazing. The entire day I was filled with his presence and a positive energy. I looked forward to family arriving and celebrating the life of such a special person.

The only thing that concerned me was the weather. I watched the forecast all week and Friday's forecast was full of rain - not just rain but thunderstorms. An 80% chance of heavy storms to be exact, right between 5-6 pm, which was when the party was scheduled to start.

The skies were gloomy most of the day and the deck got soaked a few times. I held off setting out any of the chairs or yard games, unsure of what the weather would do. And then, out of nowhere, the sky cleared and the sun came out shining right on time. It was as if Austin was smiling down on me - and the celebration. The entire night was beautiful and couldn't have been more perfect, as far as the weather was concerned.

Right as the family gathered on the deck, a tiny sprinkling of rain misted us from a clear sky above, just for a moment. Mom said it must've been tears of joy from Austin, seeing us all together to remember him. I could certainly feel him hugging us all, see his big bright smile, hear him laughing at the bad throws in cornhole or his uncle's bad jokes. He was all around us and it was wonderful.

It wasn't the Sweet 16 I dreamed for him. How I wish he had been there in person, so we could wish him Happy Birthday and shower him with presents and love. But, he made sure, as he always did, that we had a fantastic family time. And I know, without a doubt, he could feel the love we had for him, and always will have.

We'll never forget you, Austin. Keep smiling down on us, sweetie.

BitterSweet 16

There used to be a television show that followed the planning for amazing and outrageous Sweet 16 parties. Tim and I certainly had many ideas to make Austin's 16th one that he'd never forget. It would've been filled with food, family, friends and fun. While this isn't the way I'd dreamed of celebrating this milestone, there isn't anything we could've planned that would top Heaven.

It hurts not having Austin here. It's a pain that is raw, constant. My heart wavers from breaking to being filled with pride in the memory of who he was. Selfishly, I wish to have him with me, to hug him and wish him Happy Birthday. And then my head reminds me that Austin could be in no better place on this special day - and every day.

So, now we're left with memories. We can remember Austin's birthdays from years past and know he was happy and loved. As easy as closing my eyes, I can go back through the years and see his face, smiling and excited, sweet and surprised. I can remember cooking his favorite meals and the simple private celebrations we would have on his birthday to the huge family parties the weekend that followed.

While we can't plan the 16th birthday party we'd always dreamed of for Austin, we can continue the tradition he gave us. Each year, his birthday request was to have a big family party in the backyard. He was never happier than when all the family was gathered. His birthday was an annual tradition and sometimes the only chance that year we were all together at once.

Hard as it will be to not have him here, we're keeping his memory alive by doing just that this weekend. There will be lots of family, hot potato salad, and cornhole games. It won't be the same but we'll carry on for him because that is exactly what he would have wanted us to do.

We may not see him in person but I know he'll be there. I can already picture his smile and hear that big laugh in the distance...