Missing my sweetheart

I hear footsteps in the night and awake, wondering if you are in the room watching over us as we sleep. I whisper "I love you" hoping you will hear me and feel how much we miss you still.

Even though so much time has passed, I still look behind me, expecting you to walk into the room. I catch myself wanting to pick up the phone and text you or watch you walk off the bus each afternoon. My mind knows your gone but my heart aches always for your presence.

There is just such a void in our family. We all put on masks of happiness, strength, and courage but underneath are each aching inside. Every activity, no matter the size, we are reminded of your absence. There are holes in each of our hearts, though they keep beating. I don't know that this will ever change.

I'm at the point where I can finally recognize other's pain within our family and friends. I see that even they deal with the loss every day. You were such an important person to so many people! Yet we sometimes hesitate to verbalize what we're going through, afraid we'll bring another down in what might be a random happy moment.

It is a tug-of-war, a constant wavering between a memory bringing joy and pain. We don't want to ever forget you but remembering you brings waves of both happiness and sadness to us all. I never knew one could experience such extreme emotions at the same time until losing you.

I long for the day that a memory will be nothing but warmth, capturing all of your sweet spirit, but I don't know if that is possible. My soul will continue to ache for you until we are connected again. As long as I'm on this earth, my soul is like a balloon, drifting above me, searching for you.

As Valentine's Day approaches, I am reminded of how much love you brought into our lives. There isn't a card that could express the love I have for you and how much happiness you brought me! I miss you with every breath.

Happy Hearts Day my sweet boy.

To remember him....

Tim and I are in the beginning stages of forming a foundation to honor Austin's memory. We want to remember Austin's spirit and start a memorial scholarship fund that annually awards a youth, who is also active as a volunteer.

Anyone who knew my son at all, knows how much he loved to volunteer. His list of accomplishments were longer than his age! Austin was recognized a Top Youth Fundraiser for the American Cancer Society for several years, raising several thousand on his own for cancer research. He was an active Jr. Firefighter with the Beaver Dam volunteer fire department and working toward his certification. Austin lobbied for smoke free laws and dreamed of the day Kentuckians could breathe clean air. He was also extremely active through his local high school as a volunteer, helping a the local shelter, the library, and was selected to work in the ER at our area hospital. If there was a need, his hands were ready to help.

And while Austin was a Gifted student and very intelligent, he was all boy and a bit disorganized. As a result, his grades sometimes suffered. Not consistently being on the honor roll may have hindered Austin from applying for several scholarships, as so many are heavy on grade requirements. Grades will certainly be a consideration but the deciding factor for our scholarship will be volunteerism.

There is lots to be done and somedays it is a bit overwhelming but I know it will come together. I just feel called to do this and know Austin is smiling down on us and will, as he always did, be lending a hand.