In Loving Memory

  • Remembering my beloved child, Austin, who passed away at the early age of 14. He lived more in those 14 short years than most and is an inspiration to us all.

The Journey of Child Loss

A collection, from the beginning to now, since losing Austin.

The Broken Windshield

Our family is like a cracked windshield. The initial impact of where it broke is visible but you can still see through to go forward. However, from that blow, tiny cracks and splinters now appear. They are thin lines, some hardly noticeable. I can feel them breaking and splitting our family further and further apart.

None of us are ever happy at the same time. One person can have an ok day but someone else is depressed, or angry. Or one person is on edge and you have to walk on eggshells to approach them, for fear they'll break down. Or someone is distant and although they are present physically, there is no connection emotionally, they are drifting.

And, if we do find ourselves enjoying something, even for a moment, then we are instantly reminded of the one who isn't with us to celebrate. It is a nightmare in slow motion. A roller coaster ride that you can't get off of. Most of the time you just try to remain numb and move about your day,
robotically, to get through.

You never know what might stop you and cause you to cry, to remember. It can be something obvious, like hearing your child's name, or someone offering words of sympathy. It can be something simple, like a saying or phrase about something being "dead" or "gone". It can be a song, a scent, a photograph. It can be the sight of another child the age yours was. However, sometimes those things have no effect. So, you are constantly on guard of yourself. Even you don't know how your body, mind and soul will react.

It is like you are held hostage. The old you, is gone locked away somewhere deep inside. This new person has filled the space and is living your life. But this isn't your life at all. This isn't what you dreamed of, what your plans were. There is no happily ever after in this book.

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