Austin's last status entry on Myspace is "I wonder what will happen tomorrow." He wrote this the night before he passed. I asked him that night what it meant and he said he just knew we had a busy weekend, preparing for the holidays. I didn't give it a second thought, until I lost him the next night.
I think back to that last day, Saturday, November 29th, and what I've called "our last perfect day together" and wonder if he knew on some level he was leaving this Earth. We never know how many days we have, only God does, but I wonder if our spirit knows in some form. Austin was at such a peace that day, you could feel it. He was softer, kinder, gentler, happier - not that he wasn't already all of those things but it was just more that day.
As I've wrote before, that last day couldn't have been more perfect. We didn't do anything special but each memory is precious. And it was enjoyment in the moment, not just because now it has the memory of being our last day. Throughout our decorating that day, I could sense Austin's enjoyment, could see him soaking up the memories of each moment. You could see the peace on his face, as he handed us each ornament, commenting on his favorites or reliving past holiday memories. I wonder if on some level, his spirit was preparing for his journey home, that would happen just a few short hours later.
We ended our evening, eating dinner together and watching a holiday movie. All were tired from a long day of decorating but it was a good tired. We were content to have had the day together as a family and were excited about the upcoming holidays.
Austin passed away moments after leaving our house that night. Sometimes, I have wondered if I'd kept him home, would it have happened? Could we have saved him? And then I wonder if it happened outside the house to protect us -mostly Noah - on some level. I thank God that Noah didn't have to see and experience what we did. He was protected, at least a little, by being in the house. I wonder if Austin knew, if his spirit knew, and he left to protect all of us so we wouldn't have that memory in our home.
He passed away right beyond our backyard, along the tree line. It is the same tree line that I watch the sun come up each morning. At first, I didn't think I could ever look out my back windows again. I didn't know if I could view another sunrise and have the same appreciation. I can't deny that it hasn't been hard and some days I haven't wanted to but I do. And as I look at the new beauty of the day God has given us, I can only imagine the view Austin has. I am thankful for seeing a small piece of it, thankful for another day with my family here, as I await the day I will see him again.