I ponder a lot about whether I was "enough" for Austin. When you lose someone so close to you, especially a child, you second guess every moment. Was I kind enough, did I teach him enough, tell him "I love you" enough?
You wish for just one more day, one more minute, with the one you love and miss. I regret any missed moments with him knowing now how little time I had. You can't be with your child every minute of every day but I look back now and am sad for any days I missed.
Most of those missed moments were because of my job. Managing Relay events for over a decade, I was on the road quite a bit. The job required frequent travel, sometimes overnight, and I was gone from home more than I preferred. Many nights of the week I didn't make it home until the kids were already in bed. I missed dinner, homework, and just the quality moments of the day. And as much as I tried to rearrange schedules, there were games and other events that I either missed or only saw a part of because of meetings for work.
Sometimes the guilt from that falls heavy on my shoulders but I feel like Austin was proud of what I did. I certainly wasn't burning the midnight oil to climb the corporate ladder. Success in my career was never my focus and the traveling I did was for a purpose. I hope that the moments I missed were balanced by the work I was doing. I know that Austin was passionate about Relay and finding a cure for cancer. In the papers and stories I've read he wrote about me and my job, I feel understood - and approved. I hope.
While I wasn't always there, I tried to make the most of every moment. Whether it was a quick story at bedtime, a phone call on a long ride home, or funny text messages back and forth, I tried to connect with him each day. And when we got the chance, Mom & Austin days were always a great way to fill back up on our time meter and be together. I treasure every moment that I ever spent with Austin.
I guess I will always wonder though if it was enough.