In Loving Memory

  • Remembering my beloved child, Austin, who passed away at the early age of 14. He lived more in those 14 short years than most and is an inspiration to us all.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Enough

I ponder a lot about whether I was "enough" for Austin. When you lose someone so close to you, especially a child, you second guess every moment. Was I kind enough, did I teach him enough, tell him "I love you" enough?

You wish for just one more day, one more minute, with the one you love and miss. I regret any missed moments with him knowing now how little time I had. You can't be with your child every minute of every day but I look back now and am sad for any days I missed.

Most of those missed moments were because of my job. Managing Relay events for over a decade, I was on the road quite a bit. The job required frequent travel, sometimes overnight, and I was gone from home more than I preferred. Many nights of the week I didn't make it home until the kids were already in bed. I missed dinner, homework, and just the quality moments of the day. And as much as I tried to rearrange schedules, there were games and other events that I either missed or only saw a part of because of meetings for work.

Sometimes the guilt from that falls heavy on my shoulders but I feel like Austin was proud of what I did. I certainly wasn't burning the midnight oil to climb the corporate ladder. Success in my career was never my focus and the traveling I did was for a purpose. I hope that the moments I missed were balanced by the work I was doing. I know that Austin was passionate about Relay and finding a cure for cancer. In the papers and stories I've read he wrote about me and my job, I feel understood - and approved. I hope.

While I wasn't always there, I tried to make the most of every moment. Whether it was a quick story at bedtime, a phone call on a long ride home, or funny text messages back and forth, I tried to connect with him each day. And when we got the chance, Mom & Austin days were always a great way to fill back up on our time meter and be together. I treasure every moment that I ever spent with Austin.

I guess I will always wonder though if it was enough.

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