Merry Christmas, Sweetheart

One of the simple, every day things that I miss is bringing home surprises for Austin.  I enjoyed spending money on him because it didn't matter if it cost one dollar or fifty, he was always appreciative.  Even if it was a pack of gum or a jug of Sunny D, he'd grab me in a big hug and with that sweet smile of his, he'd thank me.  Now, he needs for nothing and the only thing I can buy him is flowers for his grave.  I go a step further and custom make each set for him, changing them with each season.

This time of year, as I'm checking off everyone else on my list, it's obvious someone very special isn't on it.  Our first Christmas without Austin was so very difficult and it added to the pain that we'd already bought presents for him that had to be returned.  Last year I changed our tradition of buying for a smaller child on the angel child and choosing a teen instead.  I try to imagine, though it is hard, what Austin would have wanted at that age and we give to someone in need in his memory. 

Another tradition we've had is to buy a special ornament each Christmas that represents some memory from that year.  As we're hanging them we are reminded of that moment or milestone, whether it was our first Christmas together, a vacation, or something symbolic for the boys, we remember.  Last year, I chose to purchase a memorial ornament for Austin and placed a photo of him placing the angel on the tree his last day with us.  We hang it towards the top so that when we glance upward, we remember that precious day.  I also placed an ornament at Austin's grave, a snowman playing baseball, so a piece of season could be shared with him there. 

   

This year, I again found an ornament with a baseball theme and the #1 on the award jug symbolizes how special he is to us - and always will be.  I spent my lunch hour placing new flowers and hanging his ornaments today.  It is certainly not a tradition I expected to add to our family but I do it to honor him.  Hopefully, he felt me there today and knows that no matter how very far away he is, he is always close in our hearts and minds, especially through the holidays.