Today has been one of the hardest since Austin's been gone. All weekend I've just been flooded with memories of him, which is never bad, but it is just hard knowing I would face this Mother's Day without him.
He was my first Mother's Day. Actually, I was pregnant with him in May and longed for July to be here so I could hold him. I prayed every day to have a happy, healthy baby. I would sit in the rocking chair in his nursery, reading to him through my belly. I read to him as if he were with me, for I knew he could hear me. Sometimes I sang to him or just talked to him about the life we would have. When we shared these moments together, I could feel a difference in his movements. I could hardly wait to become a Mom. And I was so blessed with his arrival on the 8th of July.
I've often wondered why childbirth is so painful. I think it is God's way of preparing us for the many forms of pain we'll deal with as a mother. As a mom you deal with sleep deprivation from long nights with a crying newborn or a sick child. You deal with sore arms, shoulders and hips from picking up and carrying your children from infant to toddler.You deal with headaches and upset stomachs as you worry and pray over your children's safety and health. You deal with heartache when they are hurting and you can't make them better.
Childbirth was certainly more physical pain than I expected. Yet I've always been amazed with how quickly it ends. You go from the most intense pain you can imagine to bliss in an instant. The moment that new pink baby is placed your arms, any pain you bore is forgotten.
I remember holding this tiny miracle, placing my finger in his little hand and looking down into his eyes. I was hooked forever, my heart melted, and he became my entire world. Instantly, I was in love with someone I just met. I think this is where the term "love at first sight" came from. I think a mother shares a unique bond with her child because she feels them growing inside her month after month. There is no comparison to the first time you feel your baby kick or flutter - or the first time you heard their heart beat. You feel life within you and you bring that life into this world.
The first thing I did when we brought Austin home was to take him into his nursery. He was instantly calmed and together we sat in the rocking chair, the same rocking chair that soothed me as a child. I whispered down to him, kissing him and telling him how happy I was to be his Mom. I whispered prayers down to him and thankfulness up to God, for bringing this joy into my life. I felt so blessed that day, as I closed my eyes and envisioned our lives together. He was certainly more than I could have ever imagined. I wish I could have had more time but I consider myself so blessed for every moment that we shared.