missing him

I am not usually at a loss for words when it comes to writing. Thoughts normally just pour out of me, relieved to leave my mind and land on paper.

When I started this blog for Austin, it was mostly for me. It has been therapeutic to be able to write about him, to capture those moments and feelings that I so often keep inside. As time progressed though, I noticed more and more people were reading. I've received so many kind comments from those who come here and that gives me inspiration to continue. As well, I imagine there are others who happen upon it accidentally but linger and my hope is that they leave knowing a little about my son and how wonderful he was. This is all I have of him now and continuing to write keeps his memory alive.

I've had a need to write for several days but for some reason, I am just blocked. The panic of the approaching anniversary lingers within me. There is still so much yet to say but sometimes there are just no words. So, today there isn't so much a story or a single memory to share but just me trying to capture his essence and of what I am missing most these days.

When I think of Austin, which is as often as the beating of my heart, I picture first his smile. I see him with that big smile that just swept you up in happiness. His eyes would sparkle and followed shortly by the smile would be a big, hearty laugh. Austin had a laugh like no other. It was contagious. It made you laugh along, it carried you into that moment. You felt, instantly, his sincere love of life. He never held back in his laughter, never guarded it depending on the situation. If it amused him, he let it show. I loved him for that confidence. My ears still search for it, pausing, as silence echos and so often fills the space now.

I miss so many things about him. Even silly, funny things. So many things bring memories of him to me. Making hot chocolate last night, I stopped, remembering how he'd drink it with a straw or eat soup with a fork. Those were things unique to him and a simple bowl of soup or mug of cocoa brings that back now. I miss picking on him about things like that - and I miss him picking on me. Austin made us smile every day.

I even miss his temper! He was so much like his father that the two would often butt heads and I'd be the mediator. Neither of them would ever stay mad long though, they were too close. But I miss him coming home, venting about something. I miss him stomping off, if he didn't get his way. I miss hearing his door slam.

I think I miss his soul the most though. I just miss that connection, the energy, the warmth and kindness that surrounded him. I miss the connection that we shared. How I didn't have to say a word but he just knew I needed a hug. I vividly remember our last big hug. It was in the living room and he stopped me on my way to the kitchen. Most of the time he gave me one arm hugs (still great) but sometimes they were just in passing. This was a full, two arm, embrace that filled my soul. I remember it so well it brings tears to my eyes. I miss him so much.